Its so lovely..

have a read:

Having seen enough of long suffering to last you a lifetime,
you, my great aunt Norma,
slip down in sight of a single moon,
with barely enough time for two mass emails
to take flight like wild geese
over the fields of our scattered family.

It was yesterday
at some-time-o’clock
that you settled down into your own breath
and became younger
and younger,
the lines on your face
the first to go.

You who lived so long
hardly hiding wide eyed wonder
behind glasses
shaped like individual moons

until yesterday at dawn
when the news came
of no more fuel for your body
or of a diversion of nutrients
to another source,
one far from
cracked heels on old shoes
or left-hand turn signals burning out.

I think you would appreciate
the way that I step like a cat
under the tree of your life,
and lie awake under its white bare branches.
Leaves of my memories of you
fall all around me
in circles of descending light,
burying me in your memory
even as you are buried in mine.

I remember today
the curiosity that always surged forth
so quietly from your eyes,
like a hush between violin strokes,
reaching out into the world,
a world we shared
from time to time.

We are walking around today,
all of us,
with the quiver of your voice
in our heads.
We listen and we hear
as you say our names,
one by one,
like birds singing in turn on a windy wire
or cups of flour counted out into a bowl.
Each of our names waver on your lips.

And you are gripping our hands
as though you were blind,
asking us questions
that you know the answers to,
smiling and linking your arm with ours
as the wind blows off the great lake.

We do not know just how we came to love you,
whether it was at some thanksgiving
or christmas,
much less do we know
how it was that you came to love us,
whether it was at our births
or birthdays
more likely it was at the lonely prayer vat
where you mixed our names
with the names of God
like an apothecary.

But we hardly question these things now.
We learned long ago
what a strange love it is
that family makes,
how it holds the head
that weeps
and surrounds the body
that aches.

Today we stand under your tree
and marvel at all the seasons
erupting at once, like a choir.

Thanks Joel.

Home’s face: how it ages when you’re away
Spring blooms and you find the love that’s true
But you don’t know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be When you’re at home
And out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn’t need
Cause you knew you were finally free

Cause all you see is where else you could be, When you’re at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
And all you see is where else you could be,
when you’re at home,
There on the street,
are so many possibilities to not be alone

Let go was the phrase of the last 6 months of 2010. Looks like it will be the phrase of 2011 as well.

Good things never die <— okay maybe that isn’t true.
the things themselves..people, places may die..
but what they stood for..what they meant? I don’t think so.

so here goes. 2011 new years resolution:

Take time when I need it.

How often.. do I know that I need a moment, even if its just a few minutes to collect my thoughts and emotions..
and instead: I press onward, let my emotions take over, and say something that I don’t mean.. something that while not outright mean..isn’t loving.

I am so over the fleeting feeling of the moment. The helplessness and uncertainty.
I could say this is the year of improvements and not screwing up.. but lets be real..and not set lofty goals

Something simple. Take time when I need it. Let go of my pride and intense emotion for 2 seconds
and save the regret for another day.

that is all.

I need you so much closer.

I wrote it in minnesota while I was home for Christmas. I was so relieved that I could finally spend a birthday at home on the lake with family and friends. I was reminded of this song last night when my parents called me to let me know that Nikki (our family dog) could no longer get up, and that plans were to have a vet come to our home, and euthanize her.

I couldn’t stop the tears last night as I showered.. and couldn’t help but think the she was the second gift I’ve lost this year.
Some people think of life in seasons.. and I think I agree with that for the most part..

But so much of it is horribly unnatural. I don’t mean loss itself is unnatural.. but the flow of joy and sadness. How sharply it can turn at a moments notice.

Oh, how I wish life was a stream.. easing me gently into each coming change.. but it isnt <3

I suppose, I’m trying to open my eyes to the evolving gifts around me. It looks cheesy now that I’ve typed it, but I dont care.

its true.

It’s going to be a busy month, and I’ll do my best to keep up with it..but i’ll be itching to return to the powdery snow, bonfires, candlelit dinners and home-cooked meals.

Here are the lyrics to the song I wrote last Christmas:

Unwrapped

The Snow is here
Along with everyone I love.
For the first time ,
We will spend the New Year.

It is a gift to me.
its unwrapped, and its free.
It is a gift to me..
and I count my blessings..
1,2,3

My dog’s getting older.
She can’t run like she used to,
and I spent the better part of today..
Meeting acceptance.

Cause she is a gift to me.
Guarding my door as I sleep.
she is a gift to me
And her loyalty..is free.

I’m in love
With the picture of logic.
And everything inside..is telling me
Don’t you let him go.

Cause he is a gift to me
Holding me close while I sleep
He is a gift to me
And I’d do anything..
For the way he looks at me.

I’m not sure why. maybe because they are so fuzzy, so soft.. maybe because to invite the cold, foreign air in..would be ludicrous.

I sit on the edge of my bed with my arms wrapped around each other.. and let the water droplets fall from my hair. Each one a traveler ..hoping to make it as far as possible before my plush, yellow protector sucks them up.

perhaps I’ll find PJ’s in this room that is actually my closet.. or perhaps i’ll just snuggle up under my comforter and call it a night.. and sleep while my damp hair plays artist on the pillow.

I’ve moved into a new place..which is totally wonderful and more than I could ever ask for.

Is it odd that i’ve found it increasingly difficult to post honestly on this blog?
People can be so afraid of raw emotions.. “wow..thats depressing” well, sometimes life is depressing..and what good does being silent about it do?

and If you can’t honestly express yourself on the INTERNETZ..then where can you, hey?

Its official: I LOVE OLIVES.

It’s been about a year since I decided to try an olive every time I saw one..with the hope that one day I could claim to be an olive lover. that day was yesterday my friends! After ulti, we went to Chill Winston and I ordered ..literally.. a huge plate of olives. one of them..may or may not have been the size of a golf ball, but it was delicious! *note* the pizza was shit..so dont get it.

hot dam!

My new house is two blocks from commercial drive..and its where I’ve always wanted to be.
Too much time is wasted thinking about how to drive somewhere..or how long it will take.

There are so many things I don’t do..because of the inconvenience. now thats silly.

Excuses NO MORE ladies and gents. although my hamstrings hate me..and i’m a little wobbly..Im biking everywhere and walk walk walkin.. you should join me.

here’s one of my favorite songs of the week: Digital love by Daft Punk. soooo sweet and happy!

have a great weekend! <3

L.

It is of course mine
To be loud and clear
But I live in my own walls
that I have built of Mud
and twigs, to ensure
they never fall.

Question one:
is the pain enough
To encourage crawling out
Question two:
Can I afford tonight
To do without.

I’ll find another way
it takes all that i am

I decided to right click the word and fix it that way.. however, these are the options it gave me:

Wow, big fail.

Thanks Spell check.

Sometimes, you just need to fix it yourself.